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January 4th. We meet again. And as much as I kind of secretly wish you would just avoid my life altogether, I guess I'm going to have to face the fact that you will be around for every single calendar year from here on out. (That is, unless something crazy happens, and someone along the line decides to revamp the system).
You see, for most people, January 4th is just another ordinary day in the life. Or, for some, it may be a birthday. Or it may mark an anniversary. Or be the date in which someone started their first real job.
For me, however, it is an annual reminder of the "worst day" (Jonathan Safran Foer reference, anyone?) . Oh, the worst day. Isn't life interesting? Isn't it so fascinating that one, single date of the year can take on so many different associations for so many different people?
For those of you who don't know, on January 4th of 2011, my father passed away suddenly in his sleep. It came out of nowhere. And it flipped everything I've ever known and understood and believed in right on its head.
Since then, my soul has been ripped to shreds, has been slowly (and semi-haphazardly) pieced back together, and with a whole lotta time and a whole lotta love, has somehow come out on the other side even stronger than ever.
I know it sounds absolutely insane, but I feel like the luckiest girl alive. Truly.
It could be because I have an amazing family. And wonderful friends. And music. And a roof over my head. And food in my belly anytime I need it. And all of the other things that so many don't have.
I don't have my dad... and I would give anything to have him back again. But I still feel blessed.
My father was one of the happiest people I have ever encountered in my 22 years of life. It was very rare for me to ever see him without a smile on his face. Really. I know for a fact that at least one woman showed up to his funeral purely because she recognized his face in the newspaper and knew him as the "man who was always smiling" when he walked into the gym.
I can't tell you how proud that makes me to be his daughter. I would love nothing more than to be remembered in the same way.
So. Here we are. January 4th.
But this isn't January 4th, 2011.
2011 is what I have chosen to call the "lost year". I don't really remember much of anything that happened throughout those 12 months. I believe Emily Dickinson says it best when she writes:
"After great pain, a formal feeling comes –
The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Tombs –
The Feet, mechanical, go round –
A Wooden way
Of Ground, or Air, or Ought –
Regardless grown,
A Quartz contentment, like a stone"
That really is the best description. I felt like a giant slab of stone. And thanks to the love and support from so many wonderful people around me, I was at least pushed (or, I guess, "rolled") through the year fairly unscathed.
Then, 2012 came along. 2012 was my year of "thawing". I slowly began to shed my rock-like layers and return to what my mother likes to call the "new normal". Because nothing is ever going to be the "old normal" ever again.
In 2012, I received an unbelievable amount of support via my Kickstarter from so many lovely family and friends (some old and some new). Because of this support, I was finally able to release my first full-length album, Savor.
Also in 2012, I was lucky enough to be chosen to spend an entire semester in the always-amazing, New York City.
Lots of wonderful things happened in between as well. I was able to go on a cruise to Mexico, my album was featured in the "New and Noteworthy" section of iTunes, I was able to spend a lot of time with my grandparents, I played so many shows I didn't know what to do with myself, and most importantly, I slowly began to establish a semi-permanent understanding of what this "new normal" would be.
And now on to 2013.
I have no idea what this next year will hold. Through the whole experience of losing my father, I know that life can change on a dime. As much as you think you have it all planned out, you really don't. And, for someone like me (who is somewhat of a control freak), this idea used to terrify me.
But it doesn't scare me anymore. Think of how difficult and exhausting it would be if you could actually control every single aspect of your life. I'll admit... there are some things in life that you can definitely control. Life itself is not one of them. And I'm okay with that.
In 2013, there are things that I plan to accomplish. Things that I would love to do, see, experience, explore, remember, and live.
Most people call these "New Years Resolutions". I call them my "Hopes".
They are bound to morph over time, but for now, my "Hopes" for 2013 are as follows:
1. Finish all of my Kickstarter rewards for my fabulous Kickstarter backers.
2. Floss more.
3. Remember to smile even if it is the worst day ever.
4. Read more books.
5. Write at least one song a week (even if it is so bad I never want to play it for anyone ever).
6. Keep in touch with old friends.
7. Make new friends.
8. Make it back to New York City at least once (even for just a short visit!)
9. Continue eating healthily and working out.
10. Take time to relax every once in awhile. It's okay to watch mindless television. In moderation.
11. Graduate from college.
12. Go on some sort of mini music tour.
13. Remember that it's okay to cry sometimes.
14. Continuously remind myself that I can be successful with my music. I can do it.
Someone has to have the job as a songwriter/musician. Why can't it be me?
Someone has to have the job as a songwriter/musician. Why can't it be me?
15. Live it up.
I have no idea if any of this will happen, but I'm just excited to take on another year.
2013, show me what you got.
Ps-- Just a sidenote: Aren't my parents the loveliest?
<3
Nat
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